XX

Have you ever had to wait on someone? Have you ever had to wait on God? It's so hard to be patient when everything you're made of contradicts the way you need to behave. It's hard to keep your cool with countless doubts racing through your mind. 

Life is difficult, Momma, I know you understand. 

XIX

I just made a blog for a friend. Because like you, I can't tell him everything I want to. I can't lean on him like I want to. Someday I'll tell you about this, too.

But let me finish this song. Let me gain my composure, or my facade.

Whichever comes first.

XVIII

Someday I'll sit you down and play you all the songs I wrote; read you all the poems I wrote. All the hopeless prose that flowed just right when everything else was going wrong. Was I bleeding on page when I should have confided in you? Maybe. I hope you can appreciate that I tried.

If trying was writing, and avoiding your gaze. If trying was hoping I could reach you through a blog. If trying was praying, at the deepest hours of the night, crying over the way the trees swayed in the wind and over the words she was telling me over the phone. If trying was half-apathy, anger. If trying was bottling up emotion, and letting it all out again out of habit. If trying was what I did, then most certainly I gave it my all.

But I didn't, though I like to think otherwise. And I'm sorry.

XVII

I want to tell you everything
Lay my heart at your side
In an avocado box, remember?
Oh, yeah
I never told you that either.
I guess in the end
We're both not where we want be
I'm in the wrong,
Can't pull myself out
Don't you see?

XVI

I'm listening to your song, do you remember it?
Of course not, that's why I'm tearing up.
I listen to it to remember you.

XV

"Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love
Along the wire

They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line
It's been you and me
And lovin' a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart
Ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Whooa, oh-oh-ooh
Whooa, oh-oh-ooh, oh
Whooa, oh-oh-oh, oh-whoooooa-oh
Faithfully
I'm still yours

I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully"

XIV

Where are you?
I searched for you in the house,
I laid in your bed and cried, wishing you could understand
Like you used to
I searched in my memories,
Photo albums only suffice for so much
And I can't remember how you laughed without cancer
Where are you?
I searched in your own head,
Yet I can't find my mom, I can't find all the things you used to be
How you were always there for me

There's a picture of you in your wedding dress
Sitting on your dresser, always has, always will
Maybe someday you'll realize how much he loves you
Maybe you'll hear him counseling me on the phone
He serves you in ways you'll never know
He can't replace you
But he has to

And all the places I look for you
Are void of how you used to be
I don't recognize the mom I see
And I can't be okay with that
I'm sorry