XXVIII

There lives an image in my head
A picture of people worse than dead
And one of them is you.
They are like ghosts,
Illusions of getting better and moving on,
Haunting the living areas of stale houses
Watching hours of pointless television
Because it is the only thing of which
They are mentally capable.
A family dwelling has become a nursing home
For living corpses,
You wait on the mail to come
So you can hobble out into the light
Wearing a brace on your leg and me on your arm.
Communication is futile,
The couch is more of a coffin
Or a resting place
For the same path you trace with your limp leg
On the way to your bedroom.
Ten o' clock is bedtime
And nine o' clock is medicine time
And twelve o' clock is sobbing time for me,
Because the picture that comes to mind
When I think of mom
Is a black dress and 'What Sarah Said'
And how much I loathe
Watching you haunt this space
Only a quarter human,
And I only tear up because I hate the way I know
That you're worse than dead today
And less alive than yesterday

XXVII

Better is a concept I hacen't quite grasped yet.
What is better?
Is it even possible?
You can't even talk to me,
You don't comprehend.
You don't notice when I am not okay,
When i go to bed early so I can cry,
You don't know how sick you are anymore,
Maybe it's God's way of getting you through,
But will we ever make it?

This is a crappy poem.
I want you to be better mom.
I miss you.

XXVI

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you

I say it a thousand times 

And it never feels any different. 

XXV

I sit in my bed mulling over the way Dad stays up later than usual even though he's tired. He loves you so much, and I know you know it, but do you see it? I won't blame you for your failing comprehension, just like you never blame me for mine, but someday i hope God gives you just enough sight to realize him. 

He is losing hope, the cancer's caught up to him. He is fighting for you, fighting back tears for you. 

Maybe I can take after him in this, maybe I can hold back the oceans even though I feel like letting them drown me. 

XXIV

It's funny how even in loss of words I still manage to write songs that I still don't have the courage to show you. 

Would you realize what they're about anyways?

"It was quiet in your head but I'd been quiet in the house for a long time"

XXIII

Another uncertainty
Looming in my mind
Another set of pictures
A sigh you'll bring home,

XXII

I miss the way you used to be.

I'm sorry.
They never told me cancer looked like this.
I never thought it would take you this way. Dangling you in front of me, almost well but never just right.

XXI

I almost called him, but I know what he'd say
"Be patient, she can't help it that she acts this way"
I'm trying, Mom, but can I even call you that?
I'm always wanting to rely on you, but I can't
And I'm trying to cope on my own, because you aren't well
The swelling of the waves is all I see
He would tell me to let you in, feel the relief
But how can I find comfort in getting to know you again?
You aren't the way you used to be,
You aren't the way you used to be.
You died six months ago, and now you're here.
I prayed for healing, it looks a bit odd.
Is this where it ends, where I am expected to be satisfied?
Surely he isn't, he should know this isn't right,
Healing just isn't in my line of sight.

She's trying to take control,
Trying so hard to get better.
But her oldest daughter is still
Writing her letters.

XX

Have you ever had to wait on someone? Have you ever had to wait on God? It's so hard to be patient when everything you're made of contradicts the way you need to behave. It's hard to keep your cool with countless doubts racing through your mind. 

Life is difficult, Momma, I know you understand. 

XIX

I just made a blog for a friend. Because like you, I can't tell him everything I want to. I can't lean on him like I want to. Someday I'll tell you about this, too.

But let me finish this song. Let me gain my composure, or my facade.

Whichever comes first.

XVIII

Someday I'll sit you down and play you all the songs I wrote; read you all the poems I wrote. All the hopeless prose that flowed just right when everything else was going wrong. Was I bleeding on page when I should have confided in you? Maybe. I hope you can appreciate that I tried.

If trying was writing, and avoiding your gaze. If trying was hoping I could reach you through a blog. If trying was praying, at the deepest hours of the night, crying over the way the trees swayed in the wind and over the words she was telling me over the phone. If trying was half-apathy, anger. If trying was bottling up emotion, and letting it all out again out of habit. If trying was what I did, then most certainly I gave it my all.

But I didn't, though I like to think otherwise. And I'm sorry.

XVII

I want to tell you everything
Lay my heart at your side
In an avocado box, remember?
Oh, yeah
I never told you that either.
I guess in the end
We're both not where we want be
I'm in the wrong,
Can't pull myself out
Don't you see?

XVI

I'm listening to your song, do you remember it?
Of course not, that's why I'm tearing up.
I listen to it to remember you.

XV

"Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love
Along the wire

They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line
It's been you and me
And lovin' a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart
Ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Whooa, oh-oh-ooh
Whooa, oh-oh-ooh, oh
Whooa, oh-oh-oh, oh-whoooooa-oh
Faithfully
I'm still yours

I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully"

XIV

Where are you?
I searched for you in the house,
I laid in your bed and cried, wishing you could understand
Like you used to
I searched in my memories,
Photo albums only suffice for so much
And I can't remember how you laughed without cancer
Where are you?
I searched in your own head,
Yet I can't find my mom, I can't find all the things you used to be
How you were always there for me

There's a picture of you in your wedding dress
Sitting on your dresser, always has, always will
Maybe someday you'll realize how much he loves you
Maybe you'll hear him counseling me on the phone
He serves you in ways you'll never know
He can't replace you
But he has to

And all the places I look for you
Are void of how you used to be
I don't recognize the mom I see
And I can't be okay with that
I'm sorry

XIII

Are you really the same as you were?
Can anyone ever be?
I was almost expecting, hoping, that you wouldn't change
I wanted you to be "cancer free",
Whatever that means

XII

We face good problems now, like you talking too much. It's hard to imagine six months ago, I was praying for your voice. 

XI

I love you but it's hard
To break down walls
To adjust to it all
Can you try to understand me, though?
Can you try to feel my heart?

X

Should I be happy,
Should I get my hopes up now?
I'm trying to smile,
Not let this get me down
But I'm not sure if I can let myself breathe
I've forgotten that our oxygen
Comes from the trees

IX

I can't think of anything to say when I see you, but yesterday I felt hopeful. I'm hoping you do too.

I know you look at the birds and wish you could fly, and I know you watch us walk out the door and wonder if you ever will. I can only imagine the things that must go through your head on a daily basis, only because thinking is all you have time for. 

But you are doing better, physically at least. 

VIII

You're more and more stranger than I've seen before
I know you're my mom but when I look in your eyes,
"Vacant and stained",
All I see is you're sick, and I'm counting the days
Praying they'll be one where you're feeling fine
You're suffering, I'm watching your soul waste away
It's crazy how you're so incompetent, so loopy,
Yet you still think you know it all, that hasn't changed
And you always say you love me
But it's hard to spend time with you and not contemplate death
Because you're hardly able to contemplate
And you barely know me like I barely know you
I'm missing my mom, you're already gone
Hurry, wake up before one of us dies
Because even my birthday comes as a surprise
Even my father is turning away to cry
Every single day one part of us dies
With the cells in your brain we don't know how to tame
And I'm running from you because I can't take the pain

VII

You came home today. I imagined it would feel a little bit better, but you're sicker than I've ever seen you in my life. Your face is vacant and your eyes have the same sort of tired life that you see in a nursing home. 

Dad told me that the doctors gave him a choice, take you home or take you to a nursing home. You're in so much pain and they couldn't do any more for you. 

I hear you crying in the back room. It's not the kind of crying I used to hear-- competent and scared, riddled with prayers and strangled optimism. Tonight you cry from raw pain. 

But the one thing we have in common is we are all so tired, aren't we?

VI

I miss talking to you. 

V

Maybe you'll come home today

Depends on what the doctors say--

IV

Me and dad cried together today. He came home the other day, he told me, and no one was here but him. "It was lonely, I see her everywhere." 

You have touched every inch of this house, and without you it's no different than a cave, really. "She leaves a big void," dad said, and he was right. 

III

You haven't really looked sick before, you didn't give off the cancer vibe. Today however, I walk in and you look older, smaller. The bed swallows your frail limbs and you barely smile and close your eyes again. You're mumbling nonsense, I can barely catch your words. 

"I love you."

"You too."

"What time is it?"

"Two o' clock."

You nod, and I fight back tears. 

II

I laid in your bed with
Uncontrollable tears
Sensing a loss in my eyes
As I sniffled for life

I was supposed to turn over
And see your face
You should have hugged me
And whispered the way it would be

It would happen because you're my mom
And there's a certain comfort in the way you say things
And there's a certain void in my life when you're missing

I

Here's my heart
From me to you
We all need something
To hold onto

I'm hoping someday
You'll be well enough
And I can say
I wrote you a letter
Years ago
I'd like you to read it
Although you already know
Everything I said
We'll smile remembering
We don't wish to go back
But until then I must write
For the closure I lack
I must write while you're gone
So you can come back